Organized Chaos

I almost never straighten my hair. My hair is thick and if I show it from the other angle you would see it's just too much for my small head. I know that's funny but it's true.

But really the real reason I don't straighten it often.... it reveals too much. It's totally just like my life when you think about it. No, really, my hair can truly be a metaphor for my life. That sounds pretty funny when I say it out loud, but just hear me out.

When my hair is wavy, curly, or a frizzy mess., you can't see the dead ends, you can't see the poor at-home coloring job I've done (again, thick hair) as much, it's harder to see the bajillion grey hairs coming in, you can't see the unevenness from the last cut I did (almost a whole year ago...oh yeah, I always do my own hair, and that's a whole other story). As a matter of fact, it looks all over the place and that's okay....It's perfectly imperfect.

When it is straightened, you can see every little thing that's wrong with it. It makes me so vulnerable and I feel so revealed of what a hot mess it truly is. There's no distractions covering up the imperfections, they all standout like crazy. Not only that, but I also feel like I am some impostor. I feel as if I am trying to be some polished or refined woman, that I clearly, am not. I feel naked, as if everything is exposed and that people are staring at me, inspecting all the flaws.

So when I say that my hair is like my life, it's because I feel more comfortable keeping it looking chaotic on the outside. It's a fact that I keep my life in chaos mode all the time. To others, it's like a circus. There are so many things going on and so many distractions for the outsiders to see. This way no one can tell when I am messing up or when things are crumbling from the inside. No, because everyone is distracted by the fact that we have these 5 beautiful and crazy girls, that I have this activity and that activity to attend to, a meeting here, a meeting there, this IG page, my blog, a construction business, volunteer work. There are all these things to look at, that they can never really see what anything in my life truly looks like. I like it this way. It is easy for me to get away with people not knowing when I'm in a depressed rut, or when things are going extremely well. It's hard for people to see when we are struggling financially or when things are thriving. It is the ultimate poker face of my life because no matter what, there are layers upon layers of craziness and no one will be able to really see it at it's core.

The day that things start to look too calm, and organized and "clean", that's the day when all the walls I've built up will come down. When I become vulnerable and exposed. When all the BS will be outed. All the times people thought or asked, "How do you manage everything?" , "How do you keep it together?" "How do you find the time to care about so many different people and things?" , Those people would then see that I was a fraud. That I am just bullshitting my way day by day through everything. Organized Chaos is what I like to call it, and that is exactly what it is.

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